Alexia Vernikou: ‘The good always win’.

To mark the release of her first fairy tale, ‘To the Sky and Back’, Alexia Vernikou gave an extremely interesting interview to Alexandra Papadaki and All You about loss, coming of age and the little moments in life that make it so beautiful.You can read it below:  If you have a young child, you’re sure to be familiar with the My Playce pre-school centres co-founded by Alexia Vernikou, and you’ll have read her articles on psychology and parenting advice. The latest venture of this multi-talented mum of two girls is writing, and her first book, *To the Sky and Back*, tackles a difficult subject: loss, which affects us all, parents and non-parents alike.  I read your (wonderful) book to my 9-year-old daughter Ioanna and immediately... it went on the shelf and never came off again. She didn’t want to read it again. She just shook her head as if to say, ‘I know, but don’t tell me any more’. Having only two grandmothers, whom she loves ‘to the moon and back and three somersaults’, she refuses to talk about death. It’s a difficult subject. Tell us about it. Clearly, the subject is difficult (perhaps the most difficult) for both children and us adults. Nevertheless, it is part of our lives, and however much we want to avoid it, we cannot. So, as parents, it’s important to give children the chance to ask us questions on the subject without pressuring them. They need their own time and space to process it. So, Ioanna did the right thing by putting it back on the shelf, as she didn’t want to talk about it right now. When she’s in the mood, or when she needs to deal with it, she knows where to find the book and the answers she needs. I get the feeling that although your book is for children, it’s actually aimed at us adults. To us who are growing up now that no one calls us ‘my child’ anymore. Am I wrong? It started out as a children’s book, but along the way I realised it’s a book that really moves adults, precisely because we know how much this loss hurts. The child’s grandmother is our own mum, and in her eyes we are always children. With her passing, our own coming of age usually follows, and that is when nobody calls us ‘my child’ anymore. You were trained in the Merimna programme for managing loss and grief in children and adolescents. At the recent launch of your book, the proceeds from sales supported Merimna’s work. Tell us a little about your relationship with the association and what we should know about it. Merimna is a non-profit organisation that provides support to children and adolescents facing a serious illness or the death of a loved one. It deals with the management of loss and grief, both by supporting families and by training healthcare professionals. It has been operating since 1995 with counselling centres in Athens and Thessaloniki and is the only organisation in our country dedicated so comprehensively to this cause. Grief management is a subject that touches me both personally and professionally, which is why I decided to become a ‘friend’ of Merimna myself and support their work. You are involved in writing articles, so we can now call you an author as well. How did this new chapter in your life begin, and how do you plan to develop it? I’ve loved writing since I was little, so the articles and the book came as a natural progression. I’d like to write more children’s books because I have plenty of ideas, but also a book for parents on topics relating to children.A particular comment you’ve heard or read about your book... I feel lucky because the book was quickly loved, as was evident from the reviews and the emotional response it has generated. The nicest comments, however, have come from the children in the form of questions about Elli and her grandmother, life and love. What did your daughters say to you about the book?Both Nefeli and Amalia were delighted that their mum had written a book. They told me it was ‘a bit sad but also a bit happy’ and they were thrilled with the illustrations. As for the subject matter, it’s something both of them have brought up for discussion, and it seems that the answers they’ve found in the book are (for now) comforting.I remember when I was little and realised that my beloved grandmother was going to die; I avoided seeing her, as if I wanted to rid myself of her sweetness so that the loss would be less painful. How did you cope with your grandmother’s death? We often see this reaction in children, namely avoiding something they know will upset them. It is, after all, a way of protecting themselves, and (fortunately) they know how to do it very well. When I lost my own grandmother, I felt (and still feel) just like Ellie. I was heartbroken, I was angry, and the loss was immense. I missed her terribly and I still do, but I have kept the sweetest place for her in my heart and I carry her with me through all the good times...What prompted you to study Psychology and Art Therapy? When I had to choose what to study, I knew there were two things I loved: children and art. My studies back then and my work today allow me to combine both and enjoy what I do. To become a psychologist and deal thoroughly with other people’s problems, must one first have resolved one’s own? I would say that they need to be at peace with themselves. We humans are a ‘work in progress’, constantly evolving and learning to manage and resolve our problems and difficulties.What are your fondest childhood memories? Summers in Corfu. With those long barefoot days, the carefree atmosphere, the family, the endless children and the sea. You have co-created the MyPlayce pre-school centres. What do you think the children and parents gain from them? A space they trust, where they can get dirty, experiment, dance, climb, cook, share, learn and play. All of this in a way that is creative for them, relaxing for their parents and enjoyable for everyone. In your years of working as a parent counsellor, if you had to single out just one piece of advice for parents, what would it be? I firmly believe that we must tell children the truth. Whatever the question, whatever the subject. Always taking into account their emotional and developmental stage. What is the biggest mistake we make with our children? All parents have made, are making, and will make ‘mistakes’ because we too are growing and learning alongside our children. If I had to single out one thing, I would say that today’s parents struggle to set boundaries. They struggle to say ‘no’ and struggle to remain consistent in what they ask of their children. This confuses them and ultimately causes insecurity in the children. I suppose you’re in high demand among groups of parents because of your role (they ask for advice, tell you their problems, etc.). Or do they perhaps avoid confiding in you, preferring to bury their heads in the sand? I imagine both happen. As parents, we tend to sugar-coat situations, and this may lead us to bury our heads in the sand. However, there are many times when the exact opposite happens, and so I often hear the phrase ‘I’ve got a question for you...’. When should we seek help from a psychologist for ourselves or (and) our children? When and if we feel the need to do so. It’s not compulsory, but it’s important to know that we can if we wish to. A parent’s instinct is very strong, and it’s important to listen to it. Both in matters concerning ourselves and in matters concerning our children. What is the greatest truth you’ve heard from your children, Nefeli and Amalia? That... ‘the good always win and our good deeds make us feel good’. It has pretty much become our family motto. The best moments of the day with your daughters... When they wake up and just before they go to sleep. When we read fairy tales, when they tell me their news from school, when we draw at the easel, when they burst out laughing, when we get up to mischief together, and when they hug each other...Living in a constant hubbub, with lots of people and lots of children’s voices, do you occasionally long for complete isolation? For not even picking up your ringing mobile? Very often. And when I feel the need, I do it. I switch off my mobile, pull down the shutters and find the peace within me. ‘From a young age we learn to lose; loss could be our cradle; you can’t have it all; the first phrase we learn’. Lyrics by Gerasimos Evangelatos, performed by Natasa Bofiliou. Do you find truth in them? Of course. We encounter loss early on, and not just in the form of death. That is why it is important to learn to deal with it. What great thing have you discovered about life so far? That it is beautiful. And that it is all the little moments, which cannot be shared in words, that ultimately make it so beautiful.